currently interning at Chinese General Hospital... honestly, i never thought i'd have my internship there... but i guess, God has plans for me and this is where i am meant to be. i miss my friends... we are all having our internship at different hospitals and sometimes, i wonder if this is really where i am meant to be. guess, i'll just have to have faith. just like i have to have faith in Him when it comes to jorge and me... things are definitely not smooth between us and honestly i could have just died a thousand times from all the pain and tears... yet, all the tender moments... the ones that make my heart skip a beat, his smile that makes my heart flutter, the sound of his voice that never fails to reassure, the warmth of his touch that gives me strength to go on... made it all worth while... it was worth it to love someone completely just as God loves me wholly and completely, it was worth it. im not sure where things will lead me or what the future has in store for jorge and me... but right now, i am thankful for all the memories and lessons learned. i am thankful because i felt loved. if things have to end then i'll just have to learn to let go. live and let live. the important thing is i loved, just as God loves.

after weeks, no, almost a month of no communication... not one single sms nor missed call... nothing. i decided to move on. for good. i finally decided. this is it. let go. after finally putting away all the stuffed toys he gave me while crying my eyes out.. after deleting all his pictures on my cellphone... i was there lying on my bed... taking everything in. reflecting on everything that happened... from the time that we met, to the event that led to our breakup, to our so-called friendship... i was taking everything in.. and letting every memory--- good and bad, go. i was, saying goodbye in my mind, heart & soul to the one man i have loved more than life itself... and my heart was once more breaking into million pieces... but i resolved to just let it all go... suddenly, my train of thoughts were interrupted by a loud sound coming from my cellphone. it was a sms message. an unknown number... it was him!

jorge: How R U? how's lyf kwento k naman
me: who's this pls?
jorge:guess who's missin u
me:is ds d person im missing so much?
jorge:R u sure im d person u missin much
me still textin...
jorge:no 1 ever saw me lyk u do all d things tht i could add up to i never knw jst wht a smile was worth but your eyes says everything w/o a single word
awww... how sweet. it was our song!
finally finished what im texting...
me:well, im pretty sure who im missing.. and i have ds gut feeling who u r. but maybe im wrng stranger. r u sure u know who i am and dat ur missing me? bka wrng send k?
i know. i know. pa-cute effect pa.
jorge:c marge b 2?
huwatsdat?!!!! what a way to ruin my flirty-kilig mood! i know, he's just joking around, but to me, it was jerking around... i was like, what the?! see, before we got together, he had this crush on both marge and me... so, when we became boyfriend-girlfriend, he would sometimes make hirits like, how's marge? or something to that effect just to make me jealous, which never work! umm... maybe just a bit, but i never let it affect me.. but this time, i got pikon. i missed him so much and i was so psyched he's finally texting me again... tapos, ganito?! paksyet diba?
me:no, sorry to disappoint you, im NOT marge. thanks a lot.
jorge:hoy marie! kamusta?!
grr... kapikon talaga!
me:hoy jorge!
no reply. after a few hours, i text him...
me:alam mo, nagtatampo ako sayo...

then that's that. no reply. nothing. zip. nada. i was soo disappointed. i kept thinking maybe i was too hard on him. too mataray... don't know what happened. if he's got no more load or his battery went dead or he just didn't want to text me anymore... dunno. my point is... i was already okay. brokenhearted, yes, but im okay. then, this happened. my already broken heart broke again into a million pieces more... my finally sane, logical, upright world became upside down again and things didn't make sense again, i was back to zero. once more, for the nth time, i was crying again, maga na mata ko... when i first received that text, even when i had no clear idea at first who the sender of that text was... a part of me knew... rather, hoped, it was him. my heart jumped and began racing. it palpitated. i found myself crying when i realized it was really him! i was soo happy. he remembered me. and i couldn't help but hope despite of me, maybe, just maybe, there's still a chance for us... maybe, things will work out again... maybe he still loves me... what, with texting our song, i felt maybe, he still loves me... then the hirit na "c marge ba 2?". i felt as if a hand snatched up my heart and gripped it really really hard. his joke hurt. he probably didn't mean to. maybe he's just nervous, and didn't know what to say... but still it hurt. if only he knew just how much i love him, how much power he has over me... how everytime i hear our song, something tugs at my heart and makes me want to go to his side... i thought i already let go... di pa pala. Ang galing talaga ng timing nya. sigh...

i recently went on a 3-day retreat on tagaytay... the retreat was okay, though i think the typhoon sort of dampen our spirits a little... hehe... here's what i got so far: im stressing about my so-called life.. im a 4th year medical student who's in her clerkship year right now (the lowest of the medical food chain)... im terrified of flunking our BIG revalida at the end of the clerkship year... yet, i can't seem to try to prepare for it... i'm too much lazy/tired to study... im not even sure that this is what i really want in my life... if medicine is for me...my lovelife's a big BLUR right now... my mom's pressuring me even though she doesn't know it... my sister's about to get into married life next year, and she's not telling us! i just found out from my cousin... im not too excited about internship really... i look at people who i call friends... and i think to myself, who among these people have i really shared myself with... and im sad because i know that i always hold something back... people look at me and tell me that i always make them happy... how i have the gift of lifting up their spirits, how i can make them laugh/smile in just an instant... then, i realize... im just a clown and i have this mask that i want people to see when they look at me... i want them to see the happy, funny, bubbly girl in me... not the lonely, insecure, depressed side of me... even when i was with the man that i really really love... there's always that invisible wall that i have kept between us... i was so afraid of getting hurt... and yet, i ended up hurting myself and him more... and now, im deathly afraid that i have forever lost the man i love more than life itself... that even though how hard i try to win him back... it seems impossible to do so now... my friends tell me im being a martyr holding on, hoping... and truth be told... i have tried really really hard to let go... but i just can't seem to do so... im holding on because i don't want to regret the rest of my life thinking what if... so i still fight the good fight and try to win him back... at least if i fail... then i'll know that i did my best and maybe it just wasn't meant to be... i know i might get burned again but i'd rather get hurt once more than spend the rest of my life wondering what might have been... i have too much regrets already....

[Usher intro:]

There's always that one person
That will always have your heart
You'll never see it coming
Cause you're blinded from the start
Know that you're that one for me
It's clear for everyone to see
Ooh baby ooh you'll always be my boo

[Alicia intro:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

[Usher verse:]

Do you remember girl
I was the one who gave you your first kiss
Cause I remember girl
I was the one who said put your lips like this
Even before all the fame and
People screaming your name
Girl I was there when you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Alicia verse:]

Yes I remember boy
Cause after we kissed
I could only think about your lips
Yes I remember boy
The moment I knew you were the one
I could spend my life with
Even before all the fame
And people screaming your name
I was there and you were my baby

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia:]
I was in love with you when we were younger
You were mine my boo
And I see it from time to time
I still feel like my boo
And I can see it no matter
How I try to hide my boo
Even though there's another man who's in my life
You will always be my boo

[Usher:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Alicia:]
My oh, My oh, My oh, My oh, My Boo

[Chorus:]
[Usher:]
It started when we were younger
You were mine my boo
Now another brother's taking over
But its still in your eyes my boo
Even though we used to argue it's alright
I know we haven't seen each other
In awhile but you will always be my boo

[Alicia & Usher:]

I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock
I don't know bout cha'll
But I know about us and uh
This is the only way
We know how to rock

i have a new best friend.... jorge. i guess everything just happened too fast for us. it's like a whirlwind romance... and it's too hard to keep up... especially when we're thousands of miles away from each other... he told me he wants us to start over again... start as friends... no, best friends, he said... i know i don't ever want to be just friends with him... but i put up with this because i know this is the best situation for the two of us right now. our lives are just too complicated... too busy... too toxic to get into a long-distance relationship. i love him. and i know he loves me... but things have to wait for more important stuff... medicine comes first... or so my head tells me... but my heart says so otherwise...